THE RAPIST IN ME

Does this sound like a lethal expose?  It may or may not be, depending on how “shock proof” you, the reader, are.  So ready yourself for some eclectic shocks!

I am a senior citizen, happily married, with two grown-up children.  Though financially burdened I cannot pretend to be under privileged.  I was educated in elite Christian schools and enjoyed many of the best things in life.  I have interacted with the highest in the Government and in the church, and held (or still hold) important positions in Church and Society.  Yet I consider myself a potential rapist.  If this revelation shocks you, then you need to read on.

The recent brutal gang rape of a young woman in New Delhi has focussed media attention on rape, sexual assault and molestation, and to the vulnerability of women in India.  The media, both print and electronic, has gone to town on the issue.  Most protesters, commentators or panellists have either blamed the police, or demanded that rapists be hanged or chemically castrated.  Some have spoken about social mindsets, family values, the Bollywood influence, etc.  But most of the “angered species” come across as terribly self-righteous.  For want of a better term I will call them the “Self–Righteous Indignant Brigade“.  In Jesus’ time many of these were Pharisees, who were shocked, indignant and disconcerted by the former’s words and actions.

Rather than point fingers at “the other”, it would be more useful if I began with myself.  At the tender age of 7 I was packed off to an elite boarding school in the hills.  My twin sister simultaneously went to the adjacent convent boarding school.  Two Sundays in a month brothers were supposed to visit their sisters in the convent.  I seldom did, because games were more attractive than dames!  For my Intermediate I moved to another prestigious boarding school, where homosexuality and sly visits to prostitutes were par for the course.  I was now 15, and gradually becoming aware of my own sexuality.

At 16 I entered degree college (don’t be surprised), which was co-ed.  It was here that I really found myself being attracted to the fairer sex.  At 62 that fatal attraction has not ebbed! I had very strong and enduring friendships with various women before I got married, but I never had a strong sexual urge, though several opportunities presented themselves.  It was only after marriage that I actually discovered my sexual appetite.

Now I find this appetite whetted in a way.  So I see myself as a potential rapist, who has the carnal instinct to seek sexual gratification in another woman; and I cannot pretend that I will not succumb, should the opportunity present itself.  Though this does not mean that I will actually do so.  I am very fond of good food.  If I am walking past a shop selling biryani or tandoori chicken, and the aroma hits me, I will be sorely tempted to indulge myself.  This does not give me the licence to raid the shop.  I am also not supposed to eat sweets, but temptation is always there, and I often succumb.

The determining factor here is that of self-control.  This is the tipping point.  How do I develop it?  A priest once said to me “Do not lose in a moment of darkness what you found in a moment of light “ I was impressed and repeated it to my spiritual guru, another priest.  “Rubbish”, he snapped at me, “nothing happens in a moment”. The reality sank deep into me.  There may be a “Tipping Point”, but it is always a gradual build up over time.  Hence raiding a biryani shop, or raping a woman, is not a sudden act.  It is a premeditated build up, because of one’s personal conditioning.

A management guru once spoke of one’s ”Area of Concern” and “Area of Control”.  We are concerned about many things – nuclear war, crimes against women, inflation, civic problems, etc. We often focus so much on these “Areas of Concern”, that we do not give due attention to the “Areas of Control”.  In the given instance what is under my control – my desires, my attitude towards women, etc.  Should I blame society, police, my parents, etc, or should I assume responsibility for my own thoughts and actions?

Social conditioning does have an impact on us, just as I was exposed to different situations in boarding life.  On the other hand there was also family and a religious conditioning, where I learnt a strong moral code, of what was right and wrong.  This sense of morality in turn was rooted in religion, in my case Christianity.

I must confess that at the age of 20 I fell head over heels in love with a young lady and even left the comfort of my home for her sake.  But the relationship soured, and so did my attitude towards women.  I lost respect for women, and now only viewed them in a frivolous and flippant way, a fun thing to be used.  Fortunately this flippant phase ended four years later when I personally encountered Jesus in my life, and committed my life to him at the age of 25.

I was now told that each human being, including myself, was a temple of the Holy Spirit; hence should be held in that high esteem.  Unfortunately, this remained a spiritual or intellectual notion, devoid of substance.  Nevertheless, it did have some kind of sobering effect on me. But I still found myself strongly attracted to the opposite sex, though devoid of a brute carnal instinct.

In the course of my spiritual journey I met a seminary professor who frankly stated that most Catholic priests are celibate, not by choice (self–control) but by lack of circumstances or fear of consequences! There is lesson in this.  Besides control, we also need to avoid circumstances (situations) that unnecessarily excite us, and also need to remember the consequences (both legal and moral) emanating from our acts.  For the weak–kneed, fear is a strong deterrent.

Rather than sermonizing or being self-righteous, I have chosen to share my own story, in the hope that it will touch the heart of another potential rapist like me, or even a clerical paedophilic (another equally heinous act).

The more we increase our Area of Control, we consequently decrease our Area of Concern.  The Vishwa Gayatri Parivar, with whom I am closely associated, has a slogan “Hum badle, sab badle” (change one’s self, and others will follow.)  We need to begin with ourselves, if we want to change society, and make it a safer place for women.

I believe that, as parents, we begin by inculcating the correct values in our children, with no gender disparity. Co-education is the best foundation for boys to discover that girls are also intelligent beings with equal potential and feelings.  They will not see them as “objects” but as persons.  Without being prudish we also need to avoid all forms of pornography and anything else that inflames uncontrollable sexual desires, as also drugs and alcohol that numb our sense of right and wrong or give us a false bravado.

I do not want to give a long list of do’s and don’ts.  My humble plea is that each one of us men accepts that we are potential rapists on the one hand, and temples of God on the other.  Self-understanding is the first step towards self-control. As sinner turned saint, Augustine of Hippo said, “Help me know me, help me know thee”.  Another great saint, Francis of Assisi, on seeing a criminal being led to the gallows said, “There goes Francis, but for the grace of God”.  Let all of us potential rapists increase our self-understanding and self-control; and humbly implore God’s grace.

DECEMBER 2012

THE BHAI FACTOR & BEHEN REACTOR

(A sequel to “The Rapist in Me”)

Some things don’t go away, like the Delhi gang rape case, which continues to make news, even a month later.  Initially I felt that the protests were media hype directed more at the Government and the police.  That is when I wrote “The Rapist in Me”, because I strongly felt that we men were really the root of the problem.  However, after reading about fresh cases from across the country, I believe that the issue (not necessarily the incident) needs to be kept alive, and squarely addressed.  Hence this sequel.

The 13^th January was a luxurious day for me.  After 3 weeks of biting cold, including sub zero temperatures, the sun was out.  Being a Sunday, I soaked it in, and meticulously read all the features on the edit page of the Hindustan Times.  I was amazed to find that all the four regular columnists – Chanakya, Indrajit Hazra, Karan Thapar and Manas Chakravarty, had chosen to write about rape, and the proposed solutions.

They referred to the callous or irresponsible comments of Asaram Bapu, sociologist Anita Shukla of Gwalior, Nursart Ali of the Jamait e Islami Hind, Jitendar Chattar of the Khap Panchayats, Mohan Bhagwat of the RSS, littérateur Ashish Nandy, and Abu Asim Azmi the SP MLA from Mumbai. That night I also saw Cyrus Broacha’s “The Week That Wasn’t” which again had a spoof on Asaram’s “Bhaiya Mantra”, and two other MLAs, one from Goa and another from Chhatisgarh.

Asaram’s “Bhaiya Mantra” of course was the worst.  Among other solutions proposed were – surrender to the inevitable, segregated education, not eating chowmein, deriding western influence, the configuration of the stars, inappropriate dress or time, crossing the Lakshman Rekha of the kitchen threshold; and even chastity belts for men and marital arts and pepper sprays for women! Are we missing the wood because of the trees?

I revert to the men, the Bhais, because we must start with ourselves.  In my previous piece I referred to conviction (values), circumstances (situations) and consequences.  I also referred to self-awareness and self-control.  Once again I choose to share rather than sermonize. One can never over emphasize the need for the correct conviction (attitude, moral values) vis-à-vis woman in general.  Besides the moral, situational and consequential, I will now touch on the psychological.

At the risk of stereotyping the sexes, we do need to understand the different or complementary nature of male and female psychology, including sex.  As a teen I remember the aging Prof Higgins (Rex Harrison) in “My Fair Lady” singing in frustration, “Why Can’t a Woman be more like a Man?” This is after the confirmed bachelor fell head over heels in love with the beautiful fishmonger Eliza Doolittle (Audrey Hepburn).  Unfortunately, most men, like Higgins, do not understand women, and have even less self-awareness of their own psychology.  I was lucky to learn about this from a veteran marriage counselor, and since shared that knowledge with youth in marriage preparation programmes, and with married couples in marriage enrichment ones.

I begin with a simple example.  A man tells his wife that he wants to buy her a sari for her birthday.  She says that her favourite colour is blue.  Off he goes and buys her a blue one.  On seeing it his wife is horrified.  “I already have this shade, this is not what I wanted“. World War III!  A man understands colour (dark or light blue). A woman has fifty shades of blue (to use a contemporary mantra)

The next conflict is when the man returns home from a busy day at work and his wife innocuously asks him, “Did you think of me at work today?” The man will either say “No” and displease his wife, or lie and say, “Yes”.  Normally, when a man is at work he does not think of family, or when at play does not think of work.  He has a compartmentalized brain where one domain does not encroach on another.  In contrast, a woman is a multi tasker – she can boil the milk, read the newspaper and answer a phone simultaneously.  This diversity or complementarity (it is not incompatibility as Higgins thought) is even more manifest in love and sex, and I am not referring to the lock and key symbolism.  A man expresses love through his body – a touch or a kiss.  A woman tends to show love through gestures – a look, a smile or an act of giving.  If we don’t know this, there is bound to be a misunderstanding that could even result in a mishap like rape.  Men, in particular, should try to understand a woman’s psychology.

Sometimes a cultural mismatch can also result in disaster, as when rural men, or those who studied in segregated schools, suddenly encounter “liberated” women in the city.  A typical mismatch is when Belgian missionaries in Chhotanagpur taught the adivasis to shake hands, women included.  I have often found the practice odd, when they come up north, where touch is taboo.  Many of these tribal girls work in Christian institutions or as domestic workers.  North Indian men misinterpret the proffered hand as a sexual invitation, not knowing the cultural differences, as also the psychological one that a woman’s touch is not the same as a man’s.  I have found this also among religious sisters who don’t realize that even knees touching send pulsars racing to the man’s brain.

Another psychological, sociological, demographic reality is that in modern society male supremacy has given way to male redundancy.  The era of the physically strong soldier, hunter and ironsmith (Tubal Cain was a man of might in the days when the earth was young) is over.  Man’s hardware has been replaced with software and soft skills, at which women are more adept.  With the advent of Vicky Donor, the last male bastion of “hardware” is also becoming redundant! This is resulting in resentment and a backlash, expressed through sexual aggression.  We need to understand and address these concerns if we seek to develop gender sensitivity.

Besides self-understanding, we also need a pre-disposition, to exercise self-control in various circumstances.  I share two deeply personal incidents to make my point.  As a young man I was living in an ashram, where there was a mutual attraction to a religious sister.  One day when the Ashram was deserted, and a fierce thunderstorm raged, she took shelter in my room, and sat with me on my bed.  She became physically passionate and wanted me to respond to her.  I declined saying that it was Lent, and I had made a resolution of “no touching”.  She was despondent, but I remained resolute.

Many years later, when I was National President of the All India Catholic Union, I was attending a meeting of the International Council of Catholic Men at Vienna, Austria.  We were taken on a tour of the Marian shrine at Mariazelle, where I chanced to meet a beautiful blue-eyed blonde, the daughter of an Austrian diplomat.  Through some inexplicable chemistry we exchanged gifts and she later invited me to a dinner date.  Wow – a beautiful woman, a distant land with no prying eyes, a romantic setting, and “Sex Shops” at every corner, anything could happen.  I was too excited to decline the offer, but caution prevailed, and I requested a delegate from England to join me on the “date”.  So the date remained sedate!

Many of my Bhais would call me a fool or a coward.  But twenty years later I know I did the right thing, and my wife agrees.  The moral of these incidents quite simply is “Forewarned is forearmed”. When we anticipate a situation where we may succumb to our emotions/desires it is advisable to have a pre-determined attitude, a pre-disposition that comes from earlier conditioning.

From the Bhais let me now turn to the Behens, for whom I have the utmost respect, including the right to dress, work, commute or marry a person of their choice.  But I was alarmed by a banner headline in the Hindustan Times by Priyanka Chopra (PC), which said, “Nobody has a right to rape me”. That statement didn’t sound right.  Nobody has a right to rape anybody, PC or any one else.  Neither has anybody the right to impose a dress code or a cut off time for the Behens.  Yet, at the risk of not being Politically Correct (PC again) I must express a word of caution, just as I have to my Bhais.  Women should not be reactive now, by asserting their freedom – rather, they must be practical, and face reality, that many of the Bhais out there are indeed misogynists or Male Chauvinist Pigs (MCPs).  Hence one should recall the adage “Better safe than sorry”.  There is no substitute for common sense, an uncommon commodity.

Examples help explain complex issues.  If a man withdraws money from an ATM and flashes the notes, is he not asking for trouble?  If he stuffs the money into a hip pocket and boards public transport is it not an invitation to pick pockets?  If I am having a TV dinner and leave my food on the coffee table to answer the phone, will not my otherwise docile and obedient pet dog be tempted to help itself to what is on offer?  We need to distinguish between freedom and license.  If I am driving a BMW and the speed limit says 60 kmph, I cannot resent such a restriction to my freedom to drive at break neck speed just because I have a flashy car.

PC, I now mean Priyanka, looked stunning in a bikini when she stepped out of the water in Dostana (a la the Bond girl, Ursula Andress).  Bikinis are ok in a pool or on the beach, but would it be PC (Politically Correct) for PC (Priyanka Chopra) to wear a bikini with high heels while walking down high street?  So obviously there are norms that need to be adhered to.  What goes for place is equally applicable for time.  We cannot do anything anywhere and expect the State (read police) to protect us.

I am reminded of the story of the old woman on the roof of her house amidst rising floodwaters.  Rescue teams came to save her but she waved them away saying that God would help her.  When she was drowning she cursed God for not heeding her supplications.  And God replied, “I came to you so many times by boat and helicopter, but you did not recognize me”.  So dear Behenon, please don’t expect miracles to happen through either divine or State intervention.  Remember the old adage “God helps those who help themselves” So PLEASE be both judicious and cautious about your neckline, hemline and time line.  You have to draw a line, the Lakshman Rekha, somewhere. Sorry PC (Priyanka) if you think that I am not being PC (Politically Correct).

At the end of the day I always ask myself what Jesus would have done in a given situation?  I find the answer in his temptation (cf Lk 4:1-12).  The devil’s first temptation to the fasting Jesus was on food, which Jesus thwarted by quoting scripture.  Satan latches on to Jesus’ claim and he now quotes scripture, telling Jesus to jump from the top of the Temple, as angels would protect him in his fall. (Notice how our own quotes/ assertions can ensnare us?) Jesus sees through Satan’s game plan and retorts that scripture also says, “Do not put the Lord your God to the test“.  In Christian spirituality this is called the sin of presumption.  So dear Behenon, please do not presume anything or put your Bhais to the test.  It is better to test the waters, than to taste ignominy and suffering.

Dear Bhaiyon and Behenon, God has given us intelligence, to be used for mutual respect. Let us keep it that way; bearing in mind all the complex factors that cannot be solved with simplistic reactors.

January 2013