DO NOT DISTURB!

If you see this sign outside a hospital room you will know that the patient inside is critical, and visitors not allowed. If you see it outside a hotel room it usually means that there is couple inside who do not relish an invasion of their privacy, their cuddle huddle!

But I have been disturbed by a report in today’s Hindustan (16th November), that states that 25% of married couples in India do not have the basic amenity of a separate room for themselves, and therefore no conjugal privacy. This despite the fact that 95% of rural families, and 62 % of urban families have their own house. Besides 54% of rural families and 22% of urban families don’t even have their own bathing rooms (as distinct from toilets). So where do married couples have sex, and where do women bathe? These are some of the findings in the report of the National Sample Survey Organisation (NSSO) of 2008-09. I may have my own bedroom and bathroom, but I am deeply disturbed by this basic lack of privacy and its resultant affect on society.

As a Christian, I am more familiar with the Christian/ Biblical understanding of marriage, which identifies the two goals of marriage as procreation and companionship. Earlier the emphasis was on procreation (increase and multiply). Having increased in numbers and multiplied in the complexities of life, marriage counsellors teach us that the primary goal of marriage today should be companionship. For that one needs both time and space, a conducive atmosphere. Without that any conjugal sex will be a quickie job, where the woman in particular will feel both unfulfilled and ill at ease.

If the conjugal relationship is not fulfilled, the couple will not have true companionship, which will in turn affect family bonds, including relationships with their children. The family is considered the primary unit of society. If the family is disturbed, the whole of society is disturbed. This leads to all kinds of social evils like alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual exploitation, road rage and a host of psychosomatic diseases.

For that matter even young people looking for companionship have no privacy. What little they seek is violently suppressed by hordes of “moral police”. In the land of the Kama Sutra, Khajuraho and Bollywood’s bosom heaving and hip grinding dances, romance is taboo. Saying it with flowers is sinful!

According to the NSSO, privacy is commensurate with one’s standard of living, the rich can afford it. But I do not think that privacy is a luxury. It is a basic necessity for married couples. Until that happens society will remain critically ill, with a “Do Not Disturb” sign, for all the wrong reasons.

· The writer has several years experience in marriage counselling.

November 2010