Traffic Inspector Prakash Maliekal D’souza was on pollution control duty in Chanakyapuri, the diplomatic enclave in New Delhi. He noticed a battered Maruti 800 with a wisp of smoke emitting from the exhaust. He promptly flagged it down for a pollution check. It proved negative, as the emission was just moisture condensation on a cold wintry evening.
Inspector D’ Souza noticed a rosary hanging from the rear view mirror of the car. The driver was a gaunt looking 50 year old with a salt-pepper beard. He wore a khadi kurta pyjama with a chain and a wooden crucifix around his neck. Something in the deep set eyes of the driver aroused D’souza’s curiosity. He asked the driver his name. Pat came the reply: “Rahul Manmohan Chidambaram”. This got D’souza’s goat. He didn’t find this funny, as he was at the fag end of his twelve hour shift. He asked the driver for his driving licence. His eyes widened. The name on the licence was “Munnabhai DD”.
D’souza couldn’t believe it. He asked the driver to step into the outpost cabin. He shut the door for the interrogation, telling his beat constable that he was not to be disturbed. He settled into his chair, stared long and hard at Munnabhai, and began to quiz him:
PMD: Why did you lie to me, and give a fake identity. Did you think that anybody would swallow that whopper – Rahul Manmohan Chidambaram? Do you think that we cops are fools?
MDD: Sorry. I’ve had a problem in the past with my name. It actually is Munnabhai. But ever since that Dutt fellow began his Gandhigiri, people know of only one Munnabhai, and think that I am pulling a fast one. To counter it I invented this other name. Which is more plausible?
PMD: OK I get your point. But what does DD stand for – Damn Donkey probably. (Pauses) Oh God, excuse me, are you by any chance a bishop? Bishops write DD. But you don’t look anything like those pink sashed guys who come in fancy cars to meet the Papal Nuncio here in Chanakyapuri.
MDD: (Lowering his eyes, and clearing his throat) Actually I have recently been appointed a bishop, and I was on my way to the Nuncio, to seek his blessing.
PMD: Oh my God. I mean (stuttering) Oh my Lord, I mean Lordship, please forgive me. (Hesitatingly) But quite frankly, you don’t look like a bishop.
MDD: What are bishops supposed to look like? We are supposed to be shepherds, like the Good Shepherd Jesus. What did Jesus look like?
PMD: I agree with you bishopji. Pardon me if I don’t address you as “Your Lordship”, or kiss your ring.
MDD Not at all. In fact this is a European honorific that the medieval church adopted in order to compete, or keep up with secular powers.
PMD: I am aware of that. As a cop I have long bouts of duty in the thana. So I do a lot of reading in my spare time. I regularly read the Bible, Christian magazines, and I have also done some self study of Vatican II and Canon Law.
MDD: That’s wonderful. Praise God. You are an unusual policeman, and an enlightened Christian.
PMD: And you seem to be an extraordinary bishop. But tell me, why are all bishops’ names suffixed with DD – Doctor of Divinity? Surely a bhai bishop like you could have avoided this honorific?
MDD: Ah my friend, I notice that despite your religious knowledge, you are labouring under a common misconception. DD is an abbreviation for Doulous Duli. This is Greek for “servant of the servants”. Far from being an honorific, it is a servile duty. I intend to be Doulous Duli in both letter and spirit.
PMD: This is amazing. What a revelation, and what a privilege to meet a “servant bishop” like you.
Just then the bishop’s gaze fell on the name tag of the inspector. It read “P.M. D’souza”. So he asked him jokingly:
MDD: So you are Prime Minister D’souza, are you? And you were making fun of me being Rahul Manmohan Chidambaram!
PMD (Going red in the face): No, no bishopji. My name is Prakash Maliekal D’souza.
Now it was the turn of the bishop to double up with laughter.
MDD: Come on inspector. You are trying to be one up on me.
PMD: I’m not making this up. My mother is Malayali, my father is Goan, and I was brought up here in Delhi itself. So that is how I got my name. And I feel proud to have a composite culture, as there is too much ethnic chauvinism in the Church. The Keralites are fighting over their rites. The adivasis and dalit Christians keep to themselves. It is very disheartening.
MDD: I agree with you. That is why I do not use my surname. I do not wish to identify with any particular group in the Church. There is no room for partiality or groupism in the Church.
PMD: I wish we had more bishops like you. Sometimes the Holy Spirit does make a correct choice. But, pardon me for saying this, I often wonder at the process and choice of who are appointed bishops. Is the Holy Spirit dead?
MDD: The truth is that God works through human instruments, and quite often the human elements prevail. We must pray for change in the Church.
PMD: (Cynically) Come on bishopji. We have been praying for years. But our prayers seem to fall on deaf ears. It is now 44 years since Vatican II, and its wished for renewal is mostly cosmetic. We ask for greater participation of the laity in the affairs of the Church. So they say, “Ok, count the Sunday collection”! We ask for women priests, we get altar girls! We ask for accountability and transparency in the Church’s administration, but we are stonewalled with silence. The Church badly needs a Right to Information Act.
MDD: (Sighing) I can sense your pain and frustration. I agree that the true spirit of Vatican II has not permeated the Church, especially in India. We have had only cosmetic liturgical changes, like replacing the Roman genuflection with our Indian anjalihasta (bowing with folded hands). But I agree with you, that there is a big task ahead, and that is a big ask.
PMD: Vatican II talked of de-institutionalising the Church. But in India the number of institutions has grown at double the pace of the Catholic population, after Vatican II. Bishops and priests are no longer spiritual animators or rectors. They have now become corporate honchos and social work directors.
MDD (sadly): I hang my head in shame. What you say is true. As a bishop my priority is to be a man of the people, and a man of God. Let us not despair. I assure you I will always be a Doulous Duli.
PMD: Vatican II talked of a preferential option for the poor and liberation theology. What happened? Our poor Catholics don’t stand anywhere in our elite institutions; and then we go with a begging bowl to the government asking for reservations for Dalit Christians. How many seats have we “reserved” for our poor in our own institutions?
MDD: Unfortunately the common image of the Church is that of the urban elite. The other side of the coin is that there are also a lot of missionaries in remote rural areas who are working with, and living among the poor.
PMD: May their tribe increase.
MDD: Bishops, clergy and laity must work together as one homogenous corpus (body) and not as an elitist corporate.
PMD: I wish we had more bishops like you.
MDD: Pray, brother pray. And also send your views to the Nuncio here in Chanakyapuri.
PMD: Bishopji, your car is not polluting the environment. Now I hope that your elevation as bishop will help to remove the hierarchical pollution that has crept into the Church.
MDD: Pray brother, pray
PMD: Bless me bishopji
Munnabhai DD placed his anointed hands on Inspector D’souza’s head, and then walked out into Delhi’s wintry night, polluted as it was. For a long time D’souza remained in a reverie, till the beat constable knocked to say that his reliever had come. But when would renewal and reformation come? Was this just a dream? Did Munnabhai DD actually exist?
# Epilogue: This piece was occasioned by two of the writer’s friends being appointed bishops recently. And yes, he had written to the Nuncio, proposing their names. So there is hope.
JANUARY 2009
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